HOW CAN I BE A BETTER DAD?

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

Oftentimes, we lose sight of the enormous responsibility we have as husbands and fathers to help shape the moral character of our children. In many ways, eighteen years seems like plenty of time to teach, admonish, discipline, and edify behavior, but the clock can easily get away from us if we’re not paying close attention to how we’re investing our days.

Unfortunately, we can get so consumed with our selfish tendencies and busyness of life that we forget our God-given duty to shepherd our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Truth be told, we miss the boat more often than we care to admit and reap the consequences of our absences when all hell breaks loose in our homes and rebellion consumes the hearts of our children.

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

In the end, it is our responsibility to take a long, hard look in the mirror and remove the log from our eye before removing the speck from our children’s. However, it is difficult to know where to turn when we’re so busy living for ourselves and consumed with work and hobbies that we fail to recognize how we’ve deprioritized our children’s sanctification as outside the scope of our personal responsibility as fathers.

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Luke 6:41).

Granted, none of us care to accept responsibility for the failures we see in our kids or share in the difficulties they face. However, at some point, we must be willing to call a spade a spade and take our lumps if we’re intent on helping correct their mistakes to begin making a positive difference in our homes moving forward.

SONG SPOTLIGHT:

To put it another way, perhaps we just need a harsh dose of reality to wake us up from our self-consuming tendencies and help us realize there is far more at stake in our role as spiritual leaders of our homes than we realize. Such is the case with the song, “I Ain’t Got an Answer,” by Propaganda and Sho Baraka (video attached), which unapologetically puts a spotlight on fathers and the impact our behavior has on our children.

This song is difficult to accept in the crucible of self-examination because its conviction level is descriptive and raw. It uses vivid examples of not spending quality time with our kids, struggling to reconcile their shortcomings, and accepting our failures to protect them. Moreover, the song drives home a far greater message about the difficulties of being a father and making ends meet despite knowing we must be engaged at home (physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually) in the lives of our children to protect them.

Above all else, it exposes our struggle to make sense of the trials we face in life but places a spotlight on our lack of spiritual leadership when our children go off the rails and consume themselves with the pleasures of this world. In the end, it is a wakeup call all men should consider ensuring we’re fulfilling the ministry calling God placed on our lives when we accepted the role of being a father.

PROVISION:

Undoubtedly, the #1 role men associate with fatherhood is provision, but what does that entail? The obvious answer would be guaranteeing our family’s basic, physical needs are met to ensure our children grow up in a safe environment which is healthy and well-nourished.

“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).

The sad truth is most men stop there, for we often equate provision with materialism and conclude that we need to provide enough money for our children’s expenses to be good and respectable fathers. Granted, while that may be partially true, it completely ignores the greater responsibility we have to shepherd the hearts of our children and teach them something far greater than bringing home a paycheck.

For example, a father can purpose himself to be prosperous in his job, achieve his career potential, and increase his monetary wealth. However, what is he teaching his children about living within their means by budgeting, avoiding debt, saving for college, being prudent in purchases, or giving generously to others? Is he modeling righteous behavior in his own life regarding financial responsibility and teaching those life lessons accordingly to his children?

Provision takes on a whole different meaning when we consider it from a lens of educating our children to make wise choices with the blessings God provides. It requires we not only do what God expects from us, as fathers, but that we teach those life lessons so our children know the wise path He wants them to take when they become adults.

“He who loves money will not be satisfied with money, nor he who loves wealth with his income; this also is vanity” (Ecclesiastes 5:10).

He is also far more concerned about us teaching the wisdom of morality, integrity, purity, compassion, generosity, honesty, and kindness. These attributes are the building blocks of personal character which can only be learned when properly modeled. Therefore, fathers must provide a blueprint to their children, based on their example, of what holiness and righteousness looks like in the life of a Christ-follower.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:22–23).

DISTRACTIONS:

The other end of the provisional spectrum we must also guard against centers on the distraction of provision. When we’re so consumed with giving our children more than what we had growing up, the temptation to work far more hours than are required increases. In other words, we determine in our minds that a specific social status is required to position our children for success and give them ample opportunities perhaps we never had, but at what cost ultimately?

Working in corporate sales for over twenty-three years, I have witnessed many colleagues climb the promotional ladder only to regret the number of family activities and events they missed due to work travel, late hours in the office, and social gatherings. On the whole, their hearts were in the right place to provide financially-dependent opportunities for their children, but they chose to elevate the importance of power, money, title, and self-promotion over time, and inevitably reaped the consequences of their actions to varying degrees.

“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money” (Matthew 6:24).

The hard truth we must accept is that our time and attention are the only resources our children truly care about. No sum of money or material possessions we leverage to pacify their attention can fill the gap of our absence. That doesn’t mean the majority of fathers out there don’t attempt to buy their children’s approval. Simply look at how early in adolescence we place electronic devices in their hands as a clear indication that we’re far more concerned about distracting and entertaining them than shepherding their hearts and building their character.

The sad truth we must face is that if we mistake shepherding as merely providing material pleasures which hold no intrinsic value, the very things we use to pacify our children will become the grudges they hold against us the rest of their lives. True, Godly provision demands that we get our hands dirty walking alongside our children, answering questions, correcting mistakes, and modeling righteous behavior for them.

EXCUSES:

In my experience, inadequacy is the predominate excuse I hear from men about why they struggle knowing how to be a good father. They lack the knowledge, wisdom, and discernment to engage teaching their children critical life lessons because they never experienced effective parenting from their fathers growing up.

The overwhelming majority of men I’ve personally discipled through my “WILDERNESS SURVIVAL” men’s bible study curriculum all echo the same sentiment when we cover the topic of fatherly influence in “Volume-1.” They feel emasculated and inadequate, and resort to doing nothing instead of asking for help and putting a plan of action into place to remedy their insecurities and strengthen their weaknesses as spiritual leaders.

That means the majority of fathers out there, even within the church, have a warped understanding of what it means to be a Godly man and overseer of souls. Therefore, when leadership is required in the home, they freeze under pressure and pass along a generational curse of dysfunction and ineptitude rather than stability and commitment.

“Shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock” (1 Peter 5:2–3).

The challenge is that without fathers humbling themselves and stepping onto the battlefield of spiritual warfare, the enemy has a clear line of sight to shoot and kill the moral fabric of our children’s psyche. In many ways, he already has, and he will stop at nothing till our children resent us the rest of their lives for not protecting them the way we should have all along.

It never ceases to amaze me how many men today are so petrified and scared to step up as spiritual leaders, take a post on the frontlines of battle, and lead by example in their homes. Far too many fathers today expect everyone else to compensate for their failures (especially their wives), and in turn, women have assumed the spiritual headship role in most homes to the sheer delight of the enemy.

No wonder so many kids resent their fathers these days! Let’s face it. Today’s generation is often categorized as lazy and undisciplined, spiritually illiterate, disrespectful toward authority, spoiled beyond measure, emotionally fragile and hyper-sensitive, and virtually unable to have an intelligent conversation with an adult.

However, have we ever stopped and asked the obvious questions of how did they get that way and who’s to blame? Granted, both parents play a critical role shepherding children, but fathers must be held to a higher standard because God expects us to train our children in the way they should go so they will never depart from it (Proverbs 22:6).

PERSONAL EXAMPLE:

In full transparency, when my wife and I had our first child, I was pretty clueless on how to effectively parent. I was taught that raising children was a mother’s responsibility so I resolved to get out of the way and let my wife handle everything when our daughter was first born. What that foolish season of my life proved more than anything is that I modeled the example my father provided me. He believed his primary responsibility was to provide income for our family since my mother stayed at home, so that’s what I thought it meant to be an effective husband and father.

The problem is that while my wife somewhat expected my naïve ineptitude, what she failed to anticipate was my disengagement from the beginning. Honestly, I was a deer in headlights and completely outside my comfort zone! Fear of making mistakes held me captive and incapacitated to step up and help, so I just disengaged all basic functional duties of helping my wife and instead, left her feeling alone, tired, and depressed.

It wasn’t until she called me out with some stern and much-needed accountability that I realized how naïve I was to believe disconnection and withdrawal from the field of battle was an effective strategy as a father. I had the ability to choose a different path than the one modeled for me growing up, but it was a decision I had to personally make.

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother” (Matthew 18:15).

In retrospect, the more I got my hands dirty and learned from my wife’s example on how to interact, communicate with, and teach my daughter, the easier it became knowing how to parent effectively. Eliminating distractions also became easier because I wanted to be a different kind of father, one who was not just physically-present, but emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually “all-in” with my family, 24/7/365.

In many ways, I had to break the generational curse I had been provided growing up and blaze a new trail. Spiritual formation and personal discipline in God’s Word was not something I was ever taught, but I quickly learned that if I wanted to be a Godly man, husband, and father, I had to humble myself daily, die to my love of self, and apply God’s Word universally throughout my life to be an effective leader.

Becoming a father changed my life in ways I cannot adequately describe. It exposed my weaknesses, magnified my sins, convicted me to change, and inevitably made me a far better man than I ever thought possible. Being a Godly father also taught me I have an immeasurable responsibility in this world to protect and provide for my four daughters which supersedes everything except loving my wife and honoring the Lord. For He entrusted me with the honor and privilege of being a husband and father, and it is not something I take lightly in the slightest.

“Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive” (1 Timothy 3:2–4).

BOTTOM-LINE:

As I wrote about last year in a post on 1 Timothy 5:8 entitled, “AM I AN ABSENT FATHER?”, being an effective parent doesn’t mean we must have all the answers. It simply means we’re committed to being honest with ourselves, asking for help, and learning how to BE RESILIENT AND PRESENT in the lives of our children at all times. It means we are willing to relinquish control of our personal schedule and substitute hours feeding our hobbies with functional duties which serve our wives and benefit our children.

The greatest place to start is simply by engaging in the activities of our children and having fun spending quality time with them. We can start by playing a game, reading a book, or getting outdoors and enjoying nature. Keep in mind, electronic devices are not needed to effectively engage our children and build relationships. We just need to eliminate outside distractions and focus our attention on opportunities where we can have honest and real conversations with our children.

“Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned” (Titus 2:7-8a).

In the end, that may mean we need to completely overhaul our lives and create new standards for time management and prioritization in our lives. It may mean we need to put our personal hobbies on the backburner till our children come of age where they can join us, or perhaps we abandon them altogether if they tempt us to pull away from our families.

Regardless, our children need to know they mean more to us than our personal pleasures, and we can solidify their trust in us by making changes to our schedules to elevate their importance. It may not mean the sins and failures of our absence will be forgotten. However, it will create a new standard of righteousness in our homes where love is active and present. We simply need to remain patient and committed to modeling Godly character in our homes and sowing seeds of righteousness in the hearts and minds of our children, no matter the cost.